Heartbreak of the Superrich, Part I Sunday, Feb 24 2008 

Novels and fashion RC 12:16 am

This book is by one of those Vogue writers who update us every month on the latest bikini waxing trends and which $15,000.00 Hermes bag we should get on the waiting list to buy, all in this breathless, faux fish-out-of-water tone that gets a little grating when you realize you read one of these articles every month.

I love the title of this book: The Debutante Divorcee. It is a chick lit book about divorce among very rich housewives in New York; its premise is basically that being divorced from a very rich man is even more fun than being married to one. I like reading about rich people. I think everyone does. It’s soothing.

I was sort of disappointed that this book was not trashy enough. Our ingenue of a heroine never even gets divorced! And the main debutante divorcee in the book — who seemed sort of exciting and Dynasty-esque in the begininning — turns out to have a heart of gold as well. I thought that romance novels were supposed to be cheesy and melodramatic! I am no expert, I guess. But I would have enjoyed a little more Aaron Spelling-style (“No man takes me to bed and the cleaners in the same day!”) dialogue.

 

A Genteel Lady’s magazine roundup: Hats, phones, and the latest fat-melting technology for fall Monday, Oct 29 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 12:59 am

1. November Allure. The funniest bit was a photo montage on “inky nails,” where the model was self-consciously holding an iPhone. So two months ago. I like the navy blue manicure, though. My usual favorite column, Scalpel News, was actually so disgusting I couldn’t even read it. Also disgusting: a big article on new fat melting technology. Also, speaking of fat melting, I think we are at that point in the year where the 2007 makeover girls are getting to be skinnier than I am. That is always sobering.

2. November Vogue.

We are all supposed to wear hats this winter, which seems fun. An annoying article about “budget fashion” where the editors shop at stores that are expensive to us on Planet Earth, but must be cheaper than couture. An essay where a woman complains that her husband spends too much time cooking his way through the Chez Panisse cookbook; my heart bleeds for her. Pretty clothes. What the hell is this new Paris Hilton perfume? I have never seen Can-Canning look so unattractive.

3. November Elle.

Scarlett in an awesome dress on the cover. Yet another photo montage of faux paparazzi shots. Yet another story where we learn Angelina is the new Sophia Loren, Gwyneth is the new Grace Kelly (*#&@! I am the new Grace Kelly!), etc. I always like these articles because they involve lots of leopard print clothes and prim little handbags. Still it’s too bad that every single article in this issue is a rehash of some other article from last month. Is Elle going to be the next Mademoiselle-like casualty? If so, we need to make sure its awesome advice columnist gets another public forum.

OK, now I am going back to reading an actual book, Gore Vidal’s “1876.” I am very excited about a popular drink among media tycoons in 1876: the Razzle Dazzle, equal parts brandy, absinthe, and gin and apparently consumed by tycoons in hotel bars starting at nine in the morning. When do I get to be a media tycoon?

Photo is from fat-melting article in Allure.

 

Mandy Moore, misshapen jackets, and socks with sandals: October Lucky Sunday, Oct 14 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 7:45 pm

I have often proclaimed that I treasure Lucky magazine for its bizarrely unique world view. Let other magazines tell us about the virtues of little black dresses and flattering makeup; I go to Lucky to see sweatpants paired with high heels, sweater/bathrobe hybrids, and serious articles about how to make velveteen knickers look sharp and professional for work. (What do they think we do for a living, anyway? I don’t know, but it’s fun to envision showing up for work in their suggested ensembles.)

Recently, though, there has been a disturbing trend towards normalcy. This month, for example, their “10 ways to wear it” feature focused on a boring cotton dress, not the fur shorts and bizarrely gilded tunic that are customary.

The beauty seemed kind of useful and Allure-like (honestly, I should probably buy every single one of the products that supposedly make you look more awake). OK, false eyelashes are a little weird, but the focus was on making them look “natural,” not, as one would expect from Lucky, how best to glue green rhinestone encrusted lashes onto your own.

Aside from a few misshapen and creatively droopy jackets, the clothes could be from any ladies’ magazine. I was in the depths of dispair. But then, on the last page, salvation — “I’m currently in love with the idea of wooly socks worn with high-heeled earthy sandals as an alternative to boots,” says evil genius Andrea Linnett. You go, Ms. Linnett! That’s why I still subscribe. Now make sure that next month, you show me 10 ways to wear a furry bikini, including one way to make it work for a plucky investment banker’s wardrobe.

 

Lady’s magazines part trois Thursday, May 24 2007 

Periodical and fashion homeby11 3:51 am

June Vogue has the traditional “what models pack when they go on vacation” feature which is usually a favorite of mine but this time they put where they go in parentheses somewhere so it was just like “I pack shorts and tinted moisturizer”. Big yearbook-collage-style layout of random celebs in their summery gear. Keira Knightley goes on safari in Africa–best part is the baby elephant wearing a Louis Vuitton blanket. There seems to be a new continuting feature with a famous guy paired up with a model for big shoot–last time it was some soccer star, this time it is the heir to the Fiat fortune and *the best dressed man in the world*!! He comes by it honestly, he inherited his grandfather’s, the previous best dressed man in the world’s, clothes. Serious article about some blonde war reporter. No food article but no disgusting cosmedical article either, so it evens out.

 

Jane Saturday, Apr 7 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 6:00 pm

I have to say that Jane kind of sucks these days, especially after the departure of Jane Pratt.  It is starting to look like Mademoiselle magazine did right before it went under — kind of a desperate cross between Glamour and some kind of tawdry celebrity magazine.  The cover features Avril Lavigne.  Ew.  Jane still has some good writers on staff, but they seem increasingly bitter.

Worst articles of the month: the f#+@* Avril Lavigne profile (“Part of me is tough, like I’m really opinionated, outspoken, a bit of a tomboy — but I’m also a yong lady, very girly, and I can be really quiet” –gag!); and an article on how to make French toast with an accompanying beverage called “classy ho.”  They just hit all the wrong notes these days: too girly with the cooking and decorating ideas and then when they try to be funny, like with the “classy ho” drink, it just comes off sounding gross.  The fashion spread on “beige” was pretty bad and boring, but for some reason everyone is doing that right now.  They say brown and navy is the new black and navy, or something.

However: I liked the article on the trip to New Orleans.  I keep trying to convince the chief we should take a mini-vacation there, maybe volunteer a little but also eat the rad food and have a Sazerac at a haunted bar and listen to some music.  Also, while I just ragged on them for having home decor articles, I sort of liked the idea of staining a bunch of wine crates and super gluing them to the wall as storage.  The chief was condescending about this, however.  Also, the music reviews are always better than in other ladies’ magazines.  Also, it sounds really fun to be the Kings of Leon: “We bought a big farm – about 50 acres — and we’re gonna get some horses.  It’s good to just sit on the front porch and play music.”  Maybe I will have that lifestyle after I get rich by reviewing issues of fashion magazines.

 

Domino Saturday, Apr 7 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 5:48 pm

This is Lucky’s home decor magazine and it applies the same bizarre aesthetic that Lucky has for fashion (last month’s Lucky featured outfits combining sweat pants and high heels; you have to at least give them credit for not being boring — derelicte, yes, but not boring).  I have been reading these design magazines sometimes for remedial tips on how to deal with my home.

This month had a whole article about making your house hospitable for guests.  My normal tactic is to ensure that anyone who spends the night at my house is too drunk to notice they are sleeping on the floor with a scratchy uncomfortable afghan made by a relative.  But, armed with the new knowledge that this is impolite, we bought a real blanket.  I think Jake enjoyed sleeping on the vertiginous windowseat with his new fluffy blanket, peeping on our neighbors from ten stories up.  Thanks, Lucky.

There is a good little spread on someone with a small apartment.  I like how he has replaced dining room chairs with a banquette thing that takes up less room and has built-in storage.  Also, he had made these paintings and placed them sort of in front of big storage shelves in order to hide the unsightly storage.  I think the canvases were on some kind of slidey thing so he could easily access the stuff behind them.  Will the chief be mad if I create some kind of lovely art to slide in front of the music gear in the living room?  I feel this would really pull the room together, as they say.

 

Lovers and Players by Jackie Collins Saturday, Mar 17 2007 

Novels and fashion RC 5:48 pm

Back when I was on crutches, I checked out a huge stack of books closest to the check-out area at the library because it is hard to carry books with your teeth, especially under the watchful eye of dour librarians. (Shouldn’t there have been an ADA-funded valet to follow me around, recommend books, check out books for me, and waive all late fees due to my disability? But I digress.) In any event, this was not the worst book in the stack, but it was not my favorite.

This brings up several questions for me. First, how come some trash is so addictive and fun to read and some trash is boring? I adore Jacqueline Susann’s entire ouevre and I heart all Aaron Spelling shows and I read all the ladies fashion magazines every month even though I know they will give me the same dumb tips every time, etc. I do not think these things are qualitatively better than Jackie Collins, but somehow the Jackie Collins book was very boring and I read the whole thing with grim determination, as though it were a job I did not like very much.

Still, one thing I can say about this book: her characters’ names are f$&@) awesome. The first person we are introduced to is named Jett Diamond. Jett Diamond! Why didn’t I think of this myself? Then we meet his father, Red Diamond, a Sumner Redstone type. (I feel like this is one of those books where every character is a thinly veiled verson of a real person except I know too little about New York society people to get it.) And just when I was about to throw the book across the room in irritation with how Ms. Collins has a supposedly American 8-year-old girl talking like a retarded robot speaking its second language (“Lulu want ice cream! Lulu hungry!“) , she produced the best name ever: a sinister blackmailing guy named Vladimir Bushkin. So subtle, I love it. (In general, a lot of characters in the book seem to speak about themselves in the third person. Is this something rich fancy people do? Maybe I should start practicing for when I become a tycoon.)

In any event Ms. Collins taught me some valuable lessons I should apply to the Serialist. First, I should keep writing it because more than 400 million copies of her books have been sold in more than 40 countries and I am falling behind. Second, perhaps I have become too dour and, well, realistic. I think I need more hysteria and drama, possibly a knock-down, drag-out fight between two female characters, and the chief’s suggestion of a white slavery ring is not bad. (Why is it always white slavery in soap operas? I have a lot to learn, I guess.) And the names! My character names suck! I need to introduce some cool new people. Stay tuned.

 

March issue of Elle magazine Sunday, Feb 11 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 7:57 pm

Six years ago I lost a writing contest whose first prize was an internship at British Elle; if I’d won, my whole life would have been different and maybe by now I would be apprenticing with E. Jean, the awesome advice columnist of American Elle.  I will try to overcome my bitterness about this and give them an honest review.

But first a gripe with all the lady magazines I have read recently.  They all start with glowing letters to the editors to the effect of: Dear Elle, Smart, classy, successful women of my generation love reading about politics along with their hemlines.  Please include lots of breathy interviews with Barack Obama and cooing about world peace and the environment with your important journalism about lipstick and new diet pills.  I would like to go on the record now as totally disagreeing with that sentiment.  I like fashion magazines to talk about fashion and maybe also makeup.  I like to read newspapers and news magazines for information about the world, and I do not care who the fashion people think I should vote for; I care what bag they think I should carry.

OK, back to clothes.  It looks like there are still lots of trapeze dresses and tennis skirts and trouser-cut pants, which I think would look so smashing with a big green ankle cast.  They have been endorsing the trouser-cut jeans for long enough that I might buy some and give The Chief’s jeans a break because it looks like trouser-cut jeans would fit over my cast.

There was an inspirational article where a woman in her 30s who had never worn makeup before learned to put on makeup.  Should I learn to wear makeup?  I think I probably should, although there is a limit to how much time I feel like primping while standing on one leg.  In six to eight weeks, I plan on giving those makeup tips a try.

As usual, we are all going to be wearing sailor clothes, trench coats, safari clothes, and retro preppie clothes this spring.  Do I ever wear anything else, though?  So maybe I will be fashionable.  Also, we are going to have big wavy hair (this is good for me) and we are still having the big thick eyebrows (good for me and all other lazy people).  Also, red lipstick which I adore and must learn how to apply when I get my makeup tutorial in six to eight weeks.

Other highlights: gold lame stella mcartney trapeze dress on p. 226 (brilliant), interview with marc jacobs, a really pretty new guess model (rip, anna nicole smith), ads for pretty chloe party dresses, and really cute two-tone tod’s ballet flats with driving loafer soles.  Also, millions of dresses that look like tennis dresses.  (Must learn to play tennis, along with wearing makeup, when I get my legs back.)

In short: clothes good, dumb articles and about politics bad.  Perhaps I am just less intellectual than Elle’s target audience, esp. the ones who read the numerology column.