A Genteel Lady’s magazine roundup: Hats, phones, and the latest fat-melting technology for fall Monday, Oct 29 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 12:59 am

1. November Allure. The funniest bit was a photo montage on “inky nails,” where the model was self-consciously holding an iPhone. So two months ago. I like the navy blue manicure, though. My usual favorite column, Scalpel News, was actually so disgusting I couldn’t even read it. Also disgusting: a big article on new fat melting technology. Also, speaking of fat melting, I think we are at that point in the year where the 2007 makeover girls are getting to be skinnier than I am. That is always sobering.

2. November Vogue.

We are all supposed to wear hats this winter, which seems fun. An annoying article about “budget fashion” where the editors shop at stores that are expensive to us on Planet Earth, but must be cheaper than couture. An essay where a woman complains that her husband spends too much time cooking his way through the Chez Panisse cookbook; my heart bleeds for her. Pretty clothes. What the hell is this new Paris Hilton perfume? I have never seen Can-Canning look so unattractive.

3. November Elle.

Scarlett in an awesome dress on the cover. Yet another photo montage of faux paparazzi shots. Yet another story where we learn Angelina is the new Sophia Loren, Gwyneth is the new Grace Kelly (*#&@! I am the new Grace Kelly!), etc. I always like these articles because they involve lots of leopard print clothes and prim little handbags. Still it’s too bad that every single article in this issue is a rehash of some other article from last month. Is Elle going to be the next Mademoiselle-like casualty? If so, we need to make sure its awesome advice columnist gets another public forum.

OK, now I am going back to reading an actual book, Gore Vidal’s “1876.” I am very excited about a popular drink among media tycoons in 1876: the Razzle Dazzle, equal parts brandy, absinthe, and gin and apparently consumed by tycoons in hotel bars starting at nine in the morning. When do I get to be a media tycoon?

Photo is from fat-melting article in Allure.

 

Mandy Moore, misshapen jackets, and socks with sandals: October Lucky Sunday, Oct 14 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 7:45 pm

I have often proclaimed that I treasure Lucky magazine for its bizarrely unique world view. Let other magazines tell us about the virtues of little black dresses and flattering makeup; I go to Lucky to see sweatpants paired with high heels, sweater/bathrobe hybrids, and serious articles about how to make velveteen knickers look sharp and professional for work. (What do they think we do for a living, anyway? I don’t know, but it’s fun to envision showing up for work in their suggested ensembles.)

Recently, though, there has been a disturbing trend towards normalcy. This month, for example, their “10 ways to wear it” feature focused on a boring cotton dress, not the fur shorts and bizarrely gilded tunic that are customary.

The beauty seemed kind of useful and Allure-like (honestly, I should probably buy every single one of the products that supposedly make you look more awake). OK, false eyelashes are a little weird, but the focus was on making them look “natural,” not, as one would expect from Lucky, how best to glue green rhinestone encrusted lashes onto your own.

Aside from a few misshapen and creatively droopy jackets, the clothes could be from any ladies’ magazine. I was in the depths of dispair. But then, on the last page, salvation — “I’m currently in love with the idea of wooly socks worn with high-heeled earthy sandals as an alternative to boots,” says evil genius Andrea Linnett. You go, Ms. Linnett! That’s why I still subscribe. Now make sure that next month, you show me 10 ways to wear a furry bikini, including one way to make it work for a plucky investment banker’s wardrobe.

 

July Glamour! Thursday, Jun 21 2007 

Periodical homeby11 9:14 am

The only thing you need to know from July’s issue of Glamour is this tidbit from one of the girl-on-the-street sidebars: Always put sunscreen on your upper lip! This girl’s mom didn’t and got hyperpigmentation that looked like a mustache! The horror!! One more thing to worry about, but now you know. I am sure this will be forever seared in your memory as it is mine.

 

Looking down on us: The Potrero View delivers to SOMA Saturday, Jun 16 2007 

Bay Area and Periodical RC 9:55 pm

When I lived in Potrero Hill, the Potrero View had these funny posters that said: “Don’t let Potrero Hill Become Another South Beach!” A noble sentiment, and on the whole I agree with them, but I think it is funny that now they are soliciting business in the neighborhood they so revile: I noticed newspaper boxes on King St. the other day, and now I am getting issues in the mail.

OK, so what’s going on with the old neighborhood? A new food and wine store run by a nice-seeming family opened on 23rd and De Haro. This would have rocked my world! Environmental racism, which has always been a big deal in the neighborhood because of PG&E, etc. People have been walking over the hill from the projects and breaking into cars (this happened to us at least twice that I can think of) and, my favorite, Carole Migden pens a column about all of the good things she has done while in office. Ms. Migden has been on the defensive ever since her little car accident. In general, I have always enjoyed the View’s propaganda columns by local politicians. They make me feel like an important constituent.

In sum, I like the View. Also, I am trying to write kickier titles for my posts, as per the chief’s marketing advice. How is that working out for me?

 

Lady’s magazines part trois Thursday, May 24 2007 

Periodical and fashion homeby11 3:51 am

June Vogue has the traditional “what models pack when they go on vacation” feature which is usually a favorite of mine but this time they put where they go in parentheses somewhere so it was just like “I pack shorts and tinted moisturizer”. Big yearbook-collage-style layout of random celebs in their summery gear. Keira Knightley goes on safari in Africa–best part is the baby elephant wearing a Louis Vuitton blanket. There seems to be a new continuting feature with a famous guy paired up with a model for big shoot–last time it was some soccer star, this time it is the heir to the Fiat fortune and *the best dressed man in the world*!! He comes by it honestly, he inherited his grandfather’s, the previous best dressed man in the world’s, clothes. Serious article about some blonde war reporter. No food article but no disgusting cosmedical article either, so it evens out.

 

Jane Saturday, Apr 7 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 6:00 pm

I have to say that Jane kind of sucks these days, especially after the departure of Jane Pratt.  It is starting to look like Mademoiselle magazine did right before it went under — kind of a desperate cross between Glamour and some kind of tawdry celebrity magazine.  The cover features Avril Lavigne.  Ew.  Jane still has some good writers on staff, but they seem increasingly bitter.

Worst articles of the month: the f#+@* Avril Lavigne profile (“Part of me is tough, like I’m really opinionated, outspoken, a bit of a tomboy — but I’m also a yong lady, very girly, and I can be really quiet” –gag!); and an article on how to make French toast with an accompanying beverage called “classy ho.”  They just hit all the wrong notes these days: too girly with the cooking and decorating ideas and then when they try to be funny, like with the “classy ho” drink, it just comes off sounding gross.  The fashion spread on “beige” was pretty bad and boring, but for some reason everyone is doing that right now.  They say brown and navy is the new black and navy, or something.

However: I liked the article on the trip to New Orleans.  I keep trying to convince the chief we should take a mini-vacation there, maybe volunteer a little but also eat the rad food and have a Sazerac at a haunted bar and listen to some music.  Also, while I just ragged on them for having home decor articles, I sort of liked the idea of staining a bunch of wine crates and super gluing them to the wall as storage.  The chief was condescending about this, however.  Also, the music reviews are always better than in other ladies’ magazines.  Also, it sounds really fun to be the Kings of Leon: “We bought a big farm – about 50 acres — and we’re gonna get some horses.  It’s good to just sit on the front porch and play music.”  Maybe I will have that lifestyle after I get rich by reviewing issues of fashion magazines.

 

Domino Saturday, Apr 7 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 5:48 pm

This is Lucky’s home decor magazine and it applies the same bizarre aesthetic that Lucky has for fashion (last month’s Lucky featured outfits combining sweat pants and high heels; you have to at least give them credit for not being boring — derelicte, yes, but not boring).  I have been reading these design magazines sometimes for remedial tips on how to deal with my home.

This month had a whole article about making your house hospitable for guests.  My normal tactic is to ensure that anyone who spends the night at my house is too drunk to notice they are sleeping on the floor with a scratchy uncomfortable afghan made by a relative.  But, armed with the new knowledge that this is impolite, we bought a real blanket.  I think Jake enjoyed sleeping on the vertiginous windowseat with his new fluffy blanket, peeping on our neighbors from ten stories up.  Thanks, Lucky.

There is a good little spread on someone with a small apartment.  I like how he has replaced dining room chairs with a banquette thing that takes up less room and has built-in storage.  Also, he had made these paintings and placed them sort of in front of big storage shelves in order to hide the unsightly storage.  I think the canvases were on some kind of slidey thing so he could easily access the stuff behind them.  Will the chief be mad if I create some kind of lovely art to slide in front of the music gear in the living room?  I feel this would really pull the room together, as they say.

 

The Economist Saturday, Apr 7 2007 

Bay Area and Periodical and Pop sociology RC 5:29 pm

OK, nothing competes with the quote from the Brazilian president in last week’s issue (“We haven’t managed it yet, but I know if we keep trying George Bush and I will find the g-spot of fair trade agreements.” Dear God! I will never be able to think of the FTAA without imagining those two great leaders fumbling around in the dark to please poor, unsatisfied fair trade.) Highlights from this week include coverage of San Francisco’s plastic bag ban, which the Economist actually supports with only the requisite snarkiness (“Karma is with us,” one of our supervisors declares at the beginning of the article).

Lexington discusses the Colbert Report and the Onion and gets in a dig at U.S. media (the Onion’s headlines “would not be so funny if those in the New York Times were not so ponderous” and “Mr. Colbert’s show would make no sense if cable-news blowhards such as Mr. O’Reilly did not exist.”) Ok, now I want to write a news magazine satirizing the Economist because they are just a little too smug about American media. I was just telling the chief and Jake about one time the beginning of the magazine mentioned a Simpsons episode where Homer Simpson was reading a copy of the Economist with the headline “Indonesia: at a crossroads.” Then, 40 pages into the magazine, the Economist had an article called “Indonesia: at a crossroads.” Ah, the wacky English.

This week’s jauntiest pair of headlines: “Funky monkeys” and “double trouble” about some weird s*#& scientists’ve discovered about human and monkey twins who wind up swapping stem cells in utero so that they have two different kinds of DNA in their bodies. The chief is obsessed with this, possibly because of the potential for a new kind of comic book superhero. I don’t knew enough science to really get excited about these sorts of things.

When you read the Economist, are there entire sections you skip out of bigotry? I, for example, always read the United States section and Latin America and the Middle East and some of Asia and Europe, but I routinely skip 1. Canada and Australia, 2. most of England and 3. the loathsome tech quarterly, which I suspect is too technical for muffinheads like me and too muffinheaded for people who actually know about technology. But does this mean I am a big racist against Canada? For some reason, I can’t bring myself to even approach that section even though some of their politics are admittedly entertaining and, you know, they are nearby and everything. Maybe if they elect someone really colorful with a toupee and mob connections who yells “beam me up scotty”from the floor of their parliament or whatever they have, like the erstwhile congressman Traficant, I can get excited about them.

 

March issue of Elle magazine Sunday, Feb 11 2007 

Periodical and fashion RC 7:57 pm

Six years ago I lost a writing contest whose first prize was an internship at British Elle; if I’d won, my whole life would have been different and maybe by now I would be apprenticing with E. Jean, the awesome advice columnist of American Elle.  I will try to overcome my bitterness about this and give them an honest review.

But first a gripe with all the lady magazines I have read recently.  They all start with glowing letters to the editors to the effect of: Dear Elle, Smart, classy, successful women of my generation love reading about politics along with their hemlines.  Please include lots of breathy interviews with Barack Obama and cooing about world peace and the environment with your important journalism about lipstick and new diet pills.  I would like to go on the record now as totally disagreeing with that sentiment.  I like fashion magazines to talk about fashion and maybe also makeup.  I like to read newspapers and news magazines for information about the world, and I do not care who the fashion people think I should vote for; I care what bag they think I should carry.

OK, back to clothes.  It looks like there are still lots of trapeze dresses and tennis skirts and trouser-cut pants, which I think would look so smashing with a big green ankle cast.  They have been endorsing the trouser-cut jeans for long enough that I might buy some and give The Chief’s jeans a break because it looks like trouser-cut jeans would fit over my cast.

There was an inspirational article where a woman in her 30s who had never worn makeup before learned to put on makeup.  Should I learn to wear makeup?  I think I probably should, although there is a limit to how much time I feel like primping while standing on one leg.  In six to eight weeks, I plan on giving those makeup tips a try.

As usual, we are all going to be wearing sailor clothes, trench coats, safari clothes, and retro preppie clothes this spring.  Do I ever wear anything else, though?  So maybe I will be fashionable.  Also, we are going to have big wavy hair (this is good for me) and we are still having the big thick eyebrows (good for me and all other lazy people).  Also, red lipstick which I adore and must learn how to apply when I get my makeup tutorial in six to eight weeks.

Other highlights: gold lame stella mcartney trapeze dress on p. 226 (brilliant), interview with marc jacobs, a really pretty new guess model (rip, anna nicole smith), ads for pretty chloe party dresses, and really cute two-tone tod’s ballet flats with driving loafer soles.  Also, millions of dresses that look like tennis dresses.  (Must learn to play tennis, along with wearing makeup, when I get my legs back.)

In short: clothes good, dumb articles and about politics bad.  Perhaps I am just less intellectual than Elle’s target audience, esp. the ones who read the numerology column.